The Secret in the Bathroom

Act I:
Scene I:

The door shifts open to a man, Steven, with short brown hair. He glimpses around the room and notices the transexual standing near the sink. His eyes can’t cease to look away, so he stops and wonders, if he should retreat himself. He then proceeds to step over to the first urinal and unzips his pants.
The man, Terrance, at the sink begins to apply makeup.

Terrance: You seem a little shy, my boy.
You stare toward the sky;
Does this seem a tad bit strange?

Steven: I’m just trying to take a piss;
you startled me and made me miss.
Now, if you could, please let me be.

Terrance: My boy, my boy, just aim your pee.
Why are you here in front of me,
if you feel different and deranged?

Steven: Please close your mouth, and let me go;
your every word is stopping flow.
I just came in to drain my stick.

Terrance: Are you sure it’s not your dick
that sent you toward this sexy place?
I see the blushes on your face.

Steven: I have no place inside of here;
I am just straight, I’m not a queer.
Please, let me piss, and I will leave.

Terrance: Your distant eyes do not believe
the words you spout, but they perceive
the constant stare upon my breast.

Steven: You are a man, yet have a chest;
I only know from what you say.
Your voice contrasts in every way.

Terrance: It’s almost time to go on stage;
you’re free to watch, you are of age.
I must go now, feel free to stay.

Terrance places the mascara back in his bag then slides it on his shoulder before walking out.
Steven continues to try and piss.

Steven: Cease to quit,
I can now piss.
The target’s hit,
and I won’t miss.
I am not gay
but want to stay;
oh, what to do.

The curtain closes.

Act I:
Scene 2:

Steven presses the flusher.

Toilet: Are you sure you want to flush?
There is no rush.
But, flush again, if you are sure.

He presses it down again.

Toilet: I said to flush, if you are sure.
Just be honest, true, and pure.
Press again to flush and leave.

He presses it down yet again.

Toilet: Your actions now, I won’t believe.
I will not swallow your release
Until your will to stay does cease.

Steven zips up his pants and walks to the sink. He twists the knob, but no water comes out.

Sink: You haven’t flushed.

Other Sink: And that you must!

Both Sinks: Before we’ll trust
to drip and thrust
the water down
to clean your hands
you must finish
to achieve ends.

Steven: What the hell is going on?
How every object speaks, in song?
I’ll wash my hands at home instead.
Where the only voice is in my head.s

He walks over to the door and grabs the handle and tries to pull it. The door doesn’t not move.

Door: Get those dirty hands
off my love handles.
That dirt and grime and sand
will seep into my hole.
And, I will cease to work,
no matter twist or jerk.

Steven steps over to the toilet again.

Steven: Okay, I’ll stay,
but just today.

He flushes the toilet which this time works. He steps over to the sinks which have stopped moving. He twists the knob and washes his hands. As he tries to make his way to the door, he slips and knocks himself out.

Act I:
Scene III:

Steven wakes up passed out on the tiled floor in front of the urinal with unzipped pants. He gets up and realizes he still has to take a piss.

Steven: This is the vein
that I will drain.
The main vein drain!

Without the drain
I’d be in pain,
insane and stained.
The main vein drain!

Once you’re trained
you can’t abstain;
you hold the hose,
and urine flows.
The main vein drain!

Don’t take the toilet’s name in vain
or forget every choice it’s made.
See the targets then just aim,
and you will have the main vein drain!

He presses the flusher which sounds and travels down.

Toilet: Thank you very much.
Your stream had the touch,
not too much but just enough.

Steven: What is with this place?
The toilet has a face
and speaks to me with such glee.
I must erase this memory.

Toilet: Don’t be scared, Steven,
There is no leaving.
But, you can have eternal bliss
with every satisfying piss.

Steven: A toilet called my name?
Is this some twisted game?

Toilet: All is clear inside of here,
you must discover, little brother.
You’re a thread inside a spindle,
and I’m a Universal Rundel.
There are secrets that exist
in cracks of tiles laced with piss,
where those who couldn’t aim missed,
and in the stalls’ romantic trysts.

He zips up his pants and walks to a sink.
Then washes his hands and starts to think.
Then steps to the hand drying machine,
but due to wetness it’s quite obscene.

Blower: No bacon for you,
no bacon for you.
I will just give air,
but not enough there
to dry your hands,
life’s endless demands.
I wanted to suck
with the hole that I blow.
Life makes me sick,
so just let me go.

He walks through the door and arrives in a second bathroom.

Act I:
Scene IV:

Steven looks around the second bathroom which has a long sing and a huge mirror. There is a woman bathing in a tub in the corner of the room. Her eyes look up to his and an angered look appears in her eyes. He blushes and looks away. He tries to twist the door knob, but it’s locked from the other side. He walks over to the door on the other side of the room, but that’s locked as well. He stands in the other corner of the room facing against the wall.

Michelle: What are you doing little man?

Steven: I am not a little man!

Michelle: Who are you, visiting my bath?

Steven: I’m not sure, I fail at math.
I walked through another bathroom door
which led into your tiled floor.

Michelle: I locked the doors before I dipped
and let the faucet water drip.
You’re not my husband, but that’s fine.
I’ll give you love and make you mine.

Steven: I want to leave, and drive my car.
I left it running outside the bar.

Michelle: You’re young enough to be my son
but cute enough to turn me on!

He turns and looks at her.

Steven: Lady, I have no interest.
I don’t know why you insist.

She sits up in the bath, back turned to the audience, bare toward his face.

Michelle: Are you sure you don’t want this?
We could start with just one kiss
then lead to something worth my time
and let our bodies moan in rhyme.

He drools a bit then looks awake.

Michelle: You know you want to touch my skin.
Your blushing face holds a grin.
I know you want me, just your luck:
I promise to be your best fuck.

He begins stripping off his clothes and the curtain closes.

Act I:
Scene V:

Steven runs around the stage in boxers looking for his clothes. They are nowhere to be seen, but he notices the door near tub is cracked open. He opens it and walks through. He sees his clothes on another guy that has tattoos all over his arms.

Parker: Yo, you gay, where’s your clothes?
I see the outline of your hose
protruding through your thin boxers
the sight of it is quit absurd.

Steven: Touche, touche, watch what you say.
You stare at me then call me gay?
You are the one wearing my clothes.
Where did you get those?

Parker: I found them out in the cafe.
I put them on where they will stay.

Steven: Keep them, I wouldn’t want them back.
Your stench is probably stuck like plaque.

Parker: Watch your mouth or I will hit,
then plunge your face into the shit.
After I’m done, you’ll want to die.
I’ll kick your ass. Don’t even try.

Steven: Was that threat only a joke?
If it was, the punch line broke!
I’m only worried of your stench
that will touch me, if you punch.

Parker tries to hit him but misses, and Steven pushes his head into the urinal and flushes.

Steven: It’s time you took a shower.
Now, I must wash for an hour
to get this disease off my skin.
I just hope it doesn’t stain.

He grabs the door’s handle and walks through. The curtain closes.

Act I:
Scene VI:

He walks into the room which happens to be a prison cell. The hungry eyes of two cell mates happily molest him.

Michael: Lookie, lookie,
some fresh nookie.
Lucky, lucky,
sucky fucky.

Matthew: Oh thank heaven,
it’s eleven.
I wasn’t ready
for such lovin’.

Steven: Close your mind,
you little prick.
I do not urge
to suck your dick.

Michael: Sucky, sucky,
I’m so lucky.

Steven: Listen loser,
I said no.
His house is in
the village though.

Matthew: Quoting Frost?
I am lost.
I didn’t find
this in your lines.

Steven: Get a grip.
Freudian slip.
My skills in acting
are quite lacking.

Michael: What do I say?
What do I sing?
I was not ready
for such a thing.
Something blue and something orange.
Fuck, you cannot rhyme with orange.

Matthew: Jesus, man.
We’ll start again.

Act I:
Scene VI:
Take 2:

Steven walks back into the prison cell.

Michael: Some say the world will end in fire,

Matthew: Some say in ice.

Steven: From what I’ve tasted of desire,
I hold with those who favor fire.
ARGH! Not this again.
I’m sick of all this shit.
Find an actor, because I quit.

Michael: You can’t take a little joke?
Without this job, you would be broke.

Steven: I just don’t care anymore.
This whole play has been a snore.
I will leave, you can believe.

Matthew: Don’t be stupid, little Steve.
Life’s a stage, you can’t just stop.
Unless you hang from ropes up top.

He tries to walk out of the cell and hits his head on glass. He instead makes his way to the next door and turns it.
A voice appears out of nowhere.

Director: You can’t leave until you finish.

Steven: I will do the things I wish.

Matthew: Is that you, god?
I must say that I applaud,
and sorry for the things I do.

Director: I’m not god.
This much is true.
But, he forgives
your sins, Matthew.

Matthew: Whose voice penetrates from high?
It echoes from the very sky!

Steven: There is a roof above your head.

Director: I am your director, Fred.
Steve, you signed the page with blood.
Your soul is mine which is quite good.

Steven: These aren’t lines, why do you rhyme?
The audience is hating time!
They paid to watch a striking show.

Fred: If they’re bored, they’re free to go.

People in the audience start walking out.

Director: I was joking, you must stay.
This show has not been in dismay.

Steven: Let me go to the next scene.

Audience member: Macbeth, Macbeth.

All people in the play: Don’t be obscene!

Steven grabs the handle. Curtain closes.

Act II:
Scene I:

The curtain opens to Steve running in and out of each bathroom he has been in and grows frustrated. He finds his clothes on the ground where Parker was. He slips them on after sniffing them.

Steven: The seconds tick and minutes pass.
But, nothing happens. You’re an ass.
You are not Olmec! Let me free.
Or will your actors harass me?

Matthew: This is god, through every word.

Fred: Don’t press that button. It’s absurd.

Steven: The idiots have returned.
I must be evil to have earned
a binding hold inside this hell.

Fred: Everything is going well.

Steven: The audience will probably leave.
Hey wait, my name’s not even steve.

Matthew: Yes it is, your name is Steve.

Steven: These I words I can’t believe.
My lines are strangled to hold rhyme.
They make coherent sense no time.

Fred: Insanity will flex its grip,
and I will .

Steve stumbles to the ground and bangs his head against the ground.

Steven: What the hell is going on?
I can’t stop rhyming to this song!
Phnglui mglw’nafl Cthulhu r’lyeh w’gah nagl fhtagn!
Cthulhu is swallowing my noggin.
Echy, Echy, planks of doom.
Must I die in a bathroom?
Please tell me what I must do.

He sighs and calms his breath.

Steven: Don’t panic. The answer’s 42.

The door unlocks to the next room and opens. He walks through it.

Act II:
Scene II:

Steve appears through the door, finally calmed down. There are stalls but no urinals hang off the wall. He steps around and examines the area. Under one of the stalls, the one furthest from the door, he sees a glittery red pair of heels. He hears the door opposite the one he entered start to open, so he rushes into one of the empty stalls and ducks inside. He steps on top of the toilet after shutting the door, so his feet disappear.
A woman walks in and opens the stall he forgot to lock. She screams. Steve’s face turns tomato red, and his foot slips into the toilet. He covers his ears and tries to pull his foot out. It won’t move. He panics. She panics and starts beating him with her purse.

Steven: Lady, Lady, let me be.

Mary: This isn’t where a man should be.

Steven: I hoped this was a different door.

Mary: Standing high to see much more?

Steven: I tried to hide when you walked in.

Mary: Such lies from guys who swear they’re men.

Steven fidgets with his foot in hopes of pulling it out.

Steven: I have a girlfriend whom I love.

Mary: You look at girls from above,
walk into bathrooms for a peak.

Steven: These views aren’t anything I seek.
No woman would wear shoes like these.
Now, let me be, forgive me, please.

Mary helps pull his foot out, splattering water on their faces.

Mary: To prove your truth, walk out and leave.

Steven: If I can, I’ll be relieved.

He steps to the door and pulls it, but it doesn’t give way.

Steven: Of course, I can’t that easily.
God must love to fuck with me.
Though, better than a prison cell,
I foreshadow being stuck in hell.

Mary: It’s not that hard.
You must be nuts.

She opens the door then shuts it.

Mary: Did you not see me open
Steve: But!
It would not open.
Mary: Yes, it will.
Just pull it hard.
Steven: It just stays still.

Mary: I’ll open it to let you leave.

Steven: That sounds great!
Sally: Is that you Steve?

Steven: Sally?
Sally: If the sky is blue.

Mary: It’s dark outside.
Steve: Oh shut up, you.

Mary: Do you know what he tried to do?

Steve: I tried to hide.
Mary: You tried to view.

You peeping tom.
Sally: Are you his mom?
He can fondle my don’t and cradle my won’ts.
Whatever I flaunt. whatever he wants.

Mary: You’re making me sick.
Sally: You just need a cock.

Mary: That is no way for a female to take.

Sally: Stop being so prude!
Mary: Stop being a slut.

Sally: You’d be one, too, if you had any luck.

Mary: Men are a waste.
Sally: You have no taste.

Mary: Women are far more worthy of trust.

Sally: Don’t judge my man, he controls his lust.

Steven: Actually, dear, I got seduced in a tub.

Sally: Didn’t I say just a shake or a rub?

Mary: That proves it was safe to assume.
Men lose their minds for that va va voom.

Sally: When did this happen.
Steve: Just hours ago.

Sally: Would you have told me? Or would I not know?

Steven: His house is in the village though.
Damn it! I don’t know.

Sally: Frost got your tongue?
Mary: I’d much prefer Poe.

Never stumbled on rhyme. Perfect all the time.

Steven: You do realize that he killed all he loved
with infected blood? He sent them above.

Mary: Don’t hate on Poe.
Sally: His work is so-so.

Sally: I’ll never experience too much Cummings.
She starts to hum.

Mary: Just like a whore. Now, what are you humming?

Sally: All of our words sound as if in a song.

Steven: Don’t break the fourth wall!
Mary: You’re doing that wrong.

Sally flushes the toilet and steps out. It happened to not be Sally at all. Terrance appears instead.

Steven: Now, what the fuck is happening?

Terrance: Steve, use your voice. It’s time to sing!

Steven: We haven’t started that scene yet!

Terrance: The audience does not know that.

Mary: What are you doing in my scene?
You embittered me, I will be mean.

Terrance: Shut up woman, it’s time for Steve
to make the audience not leave.
They’re stepping out.
Steven: Oh, please, dont leave.

Terrance: You forgot your apostrophe, Steve.

Steven: I don’t need one when I speak.

Terrance: Your skills in grammer, at best, weak.

Mary: You totally spelled grammar with an e.

Terrance: My letters spoken you can see?

Steven: Oh fuck!
Terrance: What?
Mary: What, hon?

Steven: My car’s engine must still be on.
Where can I go to leave this lie?

Terrance: This way, my boy, is another try.

The door opens, and the curtain closes.

Act II:
Scene III:

The curtain opens as Steven runs into the next bathroom which happens to be an outhouse. He hits its wall with enough force to knock the whole thing over. The front door opens, and he steps out toward the audience. He starts running in circles and then passes out. The curtain closes again.

Act II:
Scene IV:

Steven wakes up back in the first bathroom from Terrance’s slaps.

Terrance: Wake up, wake up, my little Steve.
I did something you won’t believe!
I quit my job so we could go.

Steven: Are you someone that I know?

Terrance: Don’t play around with what you say.
You are my rompbongler, today.
Ready for fun? We will have loads.
Playing my NES with Battletoads.

Steven: That game’s so sweet, but Sally won’t play.

Terrance: Come to my house, come my way.

Steven: I’m not quite sure, she won’t have fun.

Terrance: Dump that bitch. I’ll be you’re one.

Terrance helps him up, and they walk through the door to the right. The curtain closes.

The end.

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