Archive for April, 2008|Monthly archive page

Taming of the Jew

Well, I started writing a play. It’s very messed up, so don’t hate me for my jabs at everything.

Christmas day,
the Loudspeaker,
a customer,
a register.

Noah: Okay, Nick, this is unfortunate that you are working here. I am your jesus for         today. The only god there is is customers, and I fucking hate god.
Nick: Mmkay, I am Jewish, though.
{Noah grabs Nick’s mouth}
Noah: Did I say you could speak?
Don’t look at me when I’m talking to you!
{Noah slaps Nick in the mouth}
[Loudspeaker: Noah has spoken!]
{Nick flips the register light and opens it for customers that don’t come.}
[Loudspeaker: You suck!]
{Jorge shows up with sixteen cans of corn beef}
Jorge: El price-o?
Nick: How much are you willing to pay?
{Noah grabs a can of corn beef and slides it across the laser.}
Noah: The price is $3.79. Damn these prices are as good as the Old Testament!
Nick: I love the picture version of the Old Testament.
Noah: Yeah, before that Jesus-freak was born.
{Jorge opens the cans and pours them all over the floor.}
[Loudspeaker: Maintenance to register 2 with a mop and bucket!]
Jorge: What you be speak-e?
Noah: What do you mean? Absent of religion?
[Loudspeaker: Praise be to Jesus!]
Nick: I like the circus.
Noah: That Jesus was a part of the 11 circus animals.
Nick: I wonder if Jesus could take on two lions, a sperm whale, and a polar bear in         one day.
Noah: Only if Sasuke stops being so emo.
{Jorge walks by again, this time with popcorn}
Jorge: Price check!
Nick: What would you give up for that popcorn?
Noah: Oh, it’s 100 for $100, and, yes, you have to buy all to get the deal.
Nick: These deals are unbeatable!
Noah: Yeah, three twelve packs for the price of four.
Nick: There’s nothing better than a twelve pack of wolves ripping off your flesh!
Noah: Where are all the people? You’d figure a holiday would be busy.
Nick: Today’s my first day, though, I wouldn’t understand.
Noah: Did I ask you if you understood?
[Loudspeaker: Nick, first days don’t give you the right to be an ignoramus!]
Nick: It is kind of slow, though.
Noah: Yeah, you are. Oh, wait, the business.
Nick: So what did santa bring you this year?
Noah: I asked for a russian mail-order bride and my parents got me a noose. They told     me to hang around to find my real present.
Nick: Did you ever get it?
Noah: I think it’s a riddle of sorts. I’m not good at Tetris!
Nick: Well, my parents got me a wooden cross and some nails. They said “Nick, even         though Jesus isn’t our messiah, we’d like you to become more like him.”
Noah:  Perhaps, you won’t be such a disappointment.
Nick: Well, as my dad always says “If your life’s a failure, at least we have two             intelligent siblings instead of you all being wastes.”
[Loudspeaker: Ninjas in aisle two, this is not a test!]
Noah: Sometimes I wonder whether this isn’t all a dream.
Nick: Well, your dreams suck, then.
Noah: We can’t all be close-minded!
Nick: What’s that supposed to mean?
Noah: I don’t know, but I want it!
{Jorge walks by again, this time with a bag of high fructose corn syrup}
Jorge: I would be honored to do anything to find out the price of this!
Nick: Would you dance naked, spreading the corn beef under you all over your             body?
{Noah weighs the bag}
Noah: Well, the high fructose corn syrup is $635 a pound.
Nick: Oh, I’ve only ever seen it at about half that price.
Noah: Well, you pay premium prices for premium products! We get our products from         the sweatshops in Russia.
Jorge: Reitschule!
Nick: I love love on Christmas!
Noah: That’s what Jorge said!
{Jorge lathers the syrup all over his chest and walks away.}
Nick: Well, these two hours have gone by slowly.
{Noah stares at the clock}
Noah: You’re great at telling time! You know, the small hand is for minutes?
Nick: Why is it moving so slowly?
Noah: Well, your parents probably picked up the wrong baby.
Nick: How long am I working today?
Noah: Well, judging that there haven’t been any customers…
I’d say a good 9 more hours.
Nick: Oh wow! Do I get any breaks?
Noah: Have you clocked in on the time clock?
Nick: No, should I have?
Noah: No, you don’t get any breaks.
Nick: Well, what is your favorite band?
Noah: Well, I really like Metallica.
Nick: Me, too!
Noah: Oh, I was joking. They are so lame.
[Loudspeaker: Melissa Etheridge donations for the destruction of carnal knowledge of         the destruction of all things living and all things dead but will die again have         started.]
Noah: Look at the size of that U-frame!
Nick: What’s so special about it?
Noah: What do you mean, what’s so special?
The form, the beauty. Oh, I haven’t seen anything like that…
Nick: Since Vietnam?
I’ll never get over ‘Nam!
Noah: You’re 12 years old; you didn’t go to Vietnam.
Nick: I’m 16.
Noah: That’s what she said!
(Oh wait, she said she was 18…
Just kidding?!?
Nick: She was 28!
Noah: Well, I had to make it seem a little more normal! You know how people are with         age differences.
Nick: Yeah, everyone looks at me odd when I try to pick up my little sister’s friends.
Noah: She’s 10! Of course there’s a problem then!
Nick: Well, I’m only a fresh…
Noah: Haha, I thought you said you were a Sophomore!
{Nick places both his hands over his face.}
{Jorge walks by again, this time with Corn Nibblets}
Nick: My captain, your prices is as follows!
{Noah slides the can across the register.}
Noah: Six doop eight dop dollar.
Nick: That’s what you get for using Windows!
Noah: Roffle, you’re probably still using a 32-bit operating system.
Let me guess, you probably use a CRT monitor!
Nick: And, he probably uses Internet Explorer.
IE is the worst invention since aids!
{Jorge places corn nibblets where his teeth are absent and slumps away.}
[Loudspeaker: Would those kind enough to leave messages of pleasure on bathroom         stall walls please come to the break room?]
Noah: Are we really the only ones here?
Nick: Well, Jorge is here.
Noah: Yeah, but I mean besides him. And, why are the lights so dim?
Nick: The better to eat you with?
Noah: I don’t need your fairy tales.
Nick: Well, what do you expect?
Noah: Yeah, I suppose. I wonder if it’s too late for your parents to have an abortion.
Nick: Well, I remember when we were doing project abortion in gym class.
{Jorge walks by again, this time with corn flakes.}
Jorge: My name is Jorge Regula.
Nick: Would you give an arm for those corn flakes?
Noah: Corn flakes are on special, but only when you use your club card!
Jorge: So, what do they come out to?
Nick: They don’t come out to anything. You pour them into a bowl with some milk and         you eat them.
Noah: Yeah, they aren’t you. They don’t “come out.”
Nick: Does that even make sense?
Noah: Maybe when you’re older.
{Jorge takes the corn flakes and spreads them where the syrup has gone         sticky.}
Noah: I don’t think he even realizes the difference between progressive scan and         interlaced lines. I’m still waiting to find a woman who knows how to change my         GUI.
Nick: Damn straight.
Jorge: System.out.println (“What kind of a woman knows how to change the GUI?”);
Noah: System.out.println (“Well, any one that doesn’t share any similarities with Ian         Best.”);
Nick: System.out.println (“You guys are so…
Noah: I’ll show you my for loop, if you show me your do while.
Nick: Any day, man!
Noah: Well, I’m gonna whip out my 13.3 inch right now.
Nick: Oh damn, I only have a 12 inch.
Jorge: You guys are lucky; I have a dell.
Nick: Oh, no you didn’t! {Snaps his fingers}
Noah: Let’s stop this conversation right here.
Nick: I feel sorry for the less fortunate.
Noah: Yeah, me too. I really wish people would stop buying such lame computers.
Nick: I think you just called a dell a computer.
Noah: OH BURN!
{Jorge walks into the distance and faces some more products}
Nick: What is with that guy?
Noah: Well, we have to keep our quota up somehow.
Nick: Yeah, but I don’t think the gained points seem worth it.
Noah: I don’t either, but you now how management is.
Nick: Aren’t you management?
Noah: Technically, no. I’m a supervisor, though.
Nick: So, how long have we been here?
Noah: I don’t know, but there haven’t been very many customers.
Nick: There haven’t been ANY customers.
Noah: Well, perhaps, people are enjoying their presents.
{Jorge walks by again, this time with candy corn}
Jorge: I like candy, macaroni, cornbread, chicken wings, too.
Noah: Well, Aaron, we don’t take your kind here.
Nick: Isn’t it a little late for candy corn?
{Noah grabs the bag and scans it with his eyes}
Noah: Oh, this is one of those discount items. You have to type in the discount code.
Why did you bring this up? It has the price on it.
Nick: Don’t you know how to read?
Jorge: What do you expect? I dropped out in ninth grade.
Noah: Oh, yeah, the quota.
Nick: Anyway…
Noah: Just go do something.
Nick: I am doing something.
Noah: Not you, perhaps, we get extra points from you, too.
{Jorge sticks a candy corn in each of his ears.}
I didn’t say to stand there and do nothing.
Nick: Yeah, we already have that covered.
Noah: We aren’t doing nothing! We’re doing anything.
Nick: Isn’t that the same thing?
Noah: Haven’t you realized that this is what you do on register?
Nick: Well, I figured I’d ring up people or something.
Noah: Yeah, but regardless, you aren’t really doing anything to help society.
I think I could actually say you are worsening America by feeding the wallets of the greedy corporate shops.
Nick: I support the greedy corporate shops as long as I get a nice pair of kicks.
{Nick winks at the camera}
[Loudspeaker: Maintenance to the men’s bathroom with a mop and bucket, just don’t fall in!]
Noah: Oh, I remember when it came from the bathroom.
Nick: Do I want to know?
Noah: Possibly, but you’ll have to go onto my website to read that adventure.
Nick: What do you need a website for? You could just get a myspace.
Noah: Websites have limitless possibilities. Myspace is a wasteland for losers who         need to fill their lack of self-esteem with hollow comments.
Nick: Whatever, there are at least a billion people in my network.
Noah: There’s only one damn network.
Nick: Well, do you have a billion people go to your website?
Noah: No, but the people that do go aren’t lame. Can you really say that about             Myspace?
Nick: I haven’t met anyone on there that was uncool.
Noah: Compared to yourself?
I think that would be kind of hard.
Nick: You’re just mad, because you have no friends.
Noah: Whatever! I had friend requests left and down! I got sick of the constant             ramblings from people at school that I didn’t want to talk to.
{Jorge walks by again, this time with Korn’s latest album}
Nick: You’re ears will bleed!
Noah: You just used the wrong version of your.
Nick: How can you tell? I was talking!
Noah: I have a radar for when people think improperly!
Jorge: Cuando cuestan?
Noah: We sell that here? Why am I not surprised?
Nick: Somehow, I’m not surprised, either.
Noah: Anyway, that CD is $28 too much.
Nick: Even the great price won’t help you in the epic battle to maintain sanity.
{Noah grabs the CD from Jorge and tosses it into the corn beef}
Jorge: Si, si.
{Jorge walks away}
Nick: This day is going as fast as dial up.
Noah: Amen to that!
Nick: Jesus, what was it like without the internet?
Noah: Oh, I had the internet. The holy grail was fiber optic internet. I did not have         sexual relations with Mary Magdalene.
Nick: This answers so many questions. I can’t believe I believed before without             knowing that.
Noah: It’s okay, my son.
Nick: I don’t know why my family doesn’t believe you are the messiah.
Noah: I wouldn’t believe it, either.
Nick: You wouldn’t believe in yourself?
Noah: The bottle is half empty.
Nick: What bottle?
Noah: Well, it was water, but now it’s wine.
Nick: Are you allowed to drink on the clock?
Noah: I’m Jesus fucking Christ, of course I can drink. You have to influence the young         humans to believe somehow, and I’m damn good at beer pong.
Nick: Ooh, I like games. Did you ever play Chutes and Ladders?
Noah: No, but I played Crucifixion of the Savior, and all I got were these holes.
Nick: Yeah, but you saved everyone from eternal damnation.
Noah: Sometimes, I wonder whether god is just fucking around with our brains. If he         made heaven and the devil and hell, why can’t he just get rid of the problems         instead of giving us the free will to fuck ourselves over?
Nick: I don’t like the F word.
Noah: Your mom is quite different from you.
Nick: I’d figure you’d be building arks, not supervising.
Noah: There isn’t a high demand for arks anymore. I sort of screwed the unicorns out of     living, so my credibility has gone down.
Nick: Is it almost time to go?
Noah: Well, there hasn’t been any customers since we got here, so I suppose you can         turn your light off. I have been your Jesus for today. I’m sorry, you’re just not the         kind of worker we are looking for. You don’t have any experience, and over the         last twenty minutes you haven’t improved.
Customer: Are you open?
Nick: I’m sorry, I’m closed.